Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike promises Whoopi Goldberg has nothing to do with this story
Mon Dec 18, 2006 at 06:37:53 am EST
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Sister Act, Part One
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Sister Act, Part One



Glory was surprised to find Artemis at the wedding, but there she was; wearing a makeshift Trickshot costume that was chosen for the twin purposes of allowing the vigilante to discreetly wield her own weapon and to pique Dominic’s ire. She was by herself, still carrying the wrapped salad shooter she had brought for the happy couple. Occasionally she cast a surreptitious glance in the Hound of Heroism’s direction. Glory excused herself from her conversation with Asia Carrera and George Perez and dragged her translator platform over to join the archer.

“Hello,” she bade by pressing several keys on the device with her paws.

Charlotte Ouk nodded a greeting at the black and white Border collie.

“How are you?”

“Fine,” she shouldered her bow, “Have you seen CSFB!? I want to say my congratulations before taking off.”

Glory’s ears pricked up, “You are going to leave already?”

“Yeah, well, its not like I know many people here, outside of Kerry and Visionary, and I don’t see them around.”

“Visionary is by the shrimp cocktail.”

“Huh,” Artemis squinted at the scratchy, washed out looking figure standing forlornly by the mountain of boiled mollusks, “That’s one hell of a costume.”

“He is a hologram now, at least temporarily,” the Mutt of Might explained, “and Kerry is still lost in space. What about Dominic? Have you spoken to him?”

“What would be the purpose of that? It’s not like we can reminisce about old times, now that he’s lost all of his memories of me.”

Glory objected, “Not all of them. He has spoken to you since his age regression.”

“And we both know how well that’s worked out,” Charlotte countered. Mr. Epitome had twice interfered with the young woman’s crime-fighting activities; using the rationale he was trying to help her. Both times she had made it quite clear she wanted nothing to do with him or his fuzzy subordinate.

“Perhaps this is true, but I think we should keep trying. Recent events have made me realize how important to stay close to your family.”

“Family? Hate to break this to you, Scrappy, but we’re not a family,” Artemis scoffed.

“Yes we are. You and I were both raised by the same man for a significant part of our development. That is a viable, though somewhat dissimilar, definition,” Glory went on, “The Lair Legion has many such unconventional families. Indeed, one could argue that the Legion itself is a family. This day reminds us how important it is to honor the people in our lives, and not to take them for granted, something I think you, Dominic, and myself do too often.”

Charlotte didn’t like to be lectured, especially by some treacly Pollyanna who lacked opposable thumbs, “Listen to me, bitch: I don’t like you. I want nothing to do with you, or Epitome, or that perky little girlfriend of his. Got it?”

“I understand. I am sorry to have bothered you.”

The Urban Archer watched Glory shuffle off with the barest hint of self-satisfaction, then put down the gift in preparation to leave.

*****


“Excuse me, Governor Roshomon,” Mr. Epitome apologized to the politician he was debating the merits of Pollack v. Farmer’s Loan and Trust, “I need to speak with someone.”

*****


Katarina Allen watched Dominic stomp his way across the Lair Legion lawn and towards the improvised parking lot set up for the wedding. She did not need super-vision to spot the angry jut to his jaw. Downing the last swig of her punch she began to follow.

*****


Artemis found Mr. Epitome looming over her modified Kawasaki Motorcycle, “What, did the dog rat on me?” she asked.

“I heard what you said to Glory,” the Paragon of Power stepped closer to the tall young woman, “How did I ever raise such a snotty, spiteful brat?”

Charlotte blinked in surprise at the inquiry, “You didn’t raise me.”

“If only that were the case,” Epitome shot back, “Obviously I did a piss-poor job teaching you how to get along with others.”

“You’re criticizing my social skills? That’s rich,” the girl smirked, albeit weakly. Even when Dominic had been her mentor he had never talked to her in such a tone.

Dominic jammed a finger at Artemis, “Glory is the friendliest, most considerate person I know, and goes out of her way to be nice to you and-“

“I don’t need to listen to this,” Charlotte attempted to side step the big man to get to her bike. The Man of Might blocked her way.

“Yes you do, Artemis, because what I have to say is damn important. You’re going to apologize to Glory, and if she accepts, and if she wants, you will socialize with her. Got it?”

“You can’t tell me what to do,” she challenged, her face going flush.

“Yes I can. And you’ll do it, otherwise I’m going to take your toys,” he tapped Artemis’s longbow dismissively, “notify INS as to your illegal alien status, and personally put you on the slow boat back to Cambodia. Are we clear?”

Charlotte felt herself trembling.

“I asked-“

“Yes!” the girl blurted, trying hard to conceal her tears.

“Excellent! Glory is over by the blanket toss. Go check and see if she still thinks you’re worth her time.”

Without another word the Urban Archer turned on her heel and stalked back to the revels, past a very concerned looking Katarina.

“Dominic, what’s going on?” she asked softly as he walked up to her.

“Tough love,” the American Archetype grunted without further explanation.


Next: Artemis and Glory commiserate, and collaborate on a bust that goes bad. And an old face gets a new look. Out soon.


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